Russian Roulette
by AngelWingsAndSatansPitchfork
Summary: What happens when Tobi finds a mysterious package on the doorstep of the Akatsuki Base? Crack.
1. A Woman's Touch

Bullet #1 – Dude Looks Like a Lady

_Ding Dong_

"Tobi will get it~!" Tobi sang as he skipped towards the door, ignoring the confused musing of his colleagues who were wondering when they got a doorbell. The masked man undid the lock on the door and opened it, peering out at the forest. He blinked in confusion. There was no one there. If it wasn't for the fact the base was in the middle of nowhere, he would've presumed he was ding dong ditched.

Tobi was about to close the door when he noticed a peculiar package sitting on the doorstep. He looked around for any signs of life again, before picking it up and bringing it inside. He set down on the kitchen table and began examining it closely. It was a simple parcel, wrapped in brown paper and tied with white string. There was no name or address on it, telling him it was hand delivered. There was a note slipped under one of the strings, binding it to the package. Tobi plucked the note from under its binding and read it.

_Use at your own risk_

He blinked at it a few times, before setting it aside. He was very confused as to what the note meant, which led him to feel curious to what was inside the parcel. Tobi tugged at the string, pulling it loose before tearing off the paper. He opened the flaps of the cardboard box and emptied out the contents.

The biggest item was one he had thought only existed in that anime he watched with Hidan – a gun. He poked at it a few times, waiting for it to turn into a little green chameleon. It didn't. Sighing in disappointment, Tobi picked up the three oblong items. Bullets. Each one differed in colour; one was pink, another blue and the last yellow. Lastly, he lifted the sheet of paper, which had the instructions printed on them. Apparently, the bullets were special, and could alter the person they were shot at in appearance or in personality. It was a temporary change that would only last a day, seven minutes for the yellow one, but, a change was a change and Tobi was eager to try it out.

Following the steps closely, he slipped the bullets into the roller carefully before heading to the living room. He stopped outside the door and poked his orange head around the doorframe, peering into the room. Not everyone was present. Pein was most likely doing some paperwork, Hidan and Kakuzu were on a mission and Zetsu went 'grocery shopping'. Everyone else was though.

Tobi looked around the room and pointed the gun, trying to choose who'd be his first victim. Perhaps his beloved senpai or his senpai's partner? Or maybe the second last Uchiha or his fishy partner? He couldn't decide who to pick, so he closed his palm over his eyehole and shot blindly into the room, silently hoping to hit someone.

He had ever been so glad to hear someone scream in his entire life.

Tobi took his hand away from his eyehole and scanned the room for someone acting or looking different. For a moment, he had thought the weapon was defective, that was until Deidara emerged from behind the couch where he fallen due to the impact, rubbing his head.

"What happened, un?" he asked the room, who only responded with stunned stares and suppressed laughs. "What?" he asked, half-dreading the answering. "Is there something on my face?"

"Nope~!" Kisame replied, flashing him a toothy grin. "But there IS something on your chest~!"

Deidara eyed him warily before glancing down to see what the commotion was about. His face turned a ghostly white as the blood drained from his head. "I HAVE BOOBS?" he exclaimed, horrified.

"You have _breasts_!" Konan corrected him (her?) matter-of-factly.

"That's. Not. HELPING, UN!"

"At least we know what gender you are now," Itachi said casually, earning a laugh from his partner.

Deidara clenched her hands into fists and grinded her teeth together. "I am going to KILL whoever did this, yeah!" Her blonde head whipped around towards the door when she heard a 'thud' and a 'meep', to see an orange and green blur as Zetsu's subordinate shot down the hallway.

"TOBI!" came Deidara's screech and he sprinted after him. The blonde didn't notice the discarded weapon lying forgotten in the doorway.

EXTENDED ENDING

"You should put on a sports bra when you run! It gives you more support!"

"SHUT UP KONAN, YEAH!"


	2. Power of Youth

Bullet #2 – The Power of Youth

It wasn't long after the incident when Kakuzu and Hidan returned. The zombie brothers could only watch in a mixture of horror, confusion and amusement as a, ahem, newly equipped Deidara ran around the hideout, chasing after Tobi and screaming death threats, in a noticeably higher pitch than usual.

"They act like an old married couple from the fifties," was all Kakuzu had to say about the scene, before trudging down the hallway towards Pein's office to give their mission report.

The Jashinist watched the two for a few more moments (he was mainly watching Deidara but he wasn't going to admit) before he headed towards the living room. He didn't make it into the room, however. Hidan spotted something that looked like a gun from that anime he watches with Tobi (again, something he wasn't going to admit) and he picked it up for closer inspection.

He turned it over in his hands a few times, examining its every curve and crevice. It did look like one of those guns, but it didn't shape shift into one of those green lizard things but he wasn't sure-

"If you're going to stand in the doorway all day, you could at least make yourself useful for once and act as a doorstop," Kakuzu told him as he entered the living room, after having given their Leader their report. "Then again, you'd make a pretty useless doorstop."

"F*CK YOU!" Hidan yelled at him, glaring at his partner's back, trying to burn a hole in his cloak with his eyes. As he clenched his fists, he remembered the weapon in his hands. He smirked as a plan formulated in his mind. If the bullet in that anime made that Tsuna kid stronger, then the bullet in this gun would make him stronger too, right? Strong enough to finish Kakuzu off once and for all, right?

Pointing the gun at his chest, Hidan decided to give it a shot. After all, he was immortal. What was the worst that could happen? He quickly pulled the trigger on the weapon, the force of the bullet knocking him back onto his butt. He swore under his breath before he stood up and looked around.

Strange. Why was everything so big all of a sudden? The Jashinist waddled into the room, an action that confused him more. Usually he was very good at walking. Heck, he was a professional at it! Why was it so hard for him now?

"Ooooh! Look at the baby~!" Konan squealed.

Baby? What baby?

"It… kinda looks like Hidan…" Kisame contemplated, tilting his head at him.

Huh? But he didn't have a child! And why was he looking at him like that?

"I've always wanted a son~!" Konan sang, picking up the Jashinist. "Mommy Konan is going to love you so much that no other woman will ever be good enough for you~! Yes she is~! Oh yes she is~!"

Since when was she able to lift him? And why was she referring herself as his mother… Hidan's violet eyes widened as every piece of the puzzle fell into place. HE was the baby! That gun changed him into a freakin' baby! Oh Jashin… He was going to have to go through puberty again… Still in denial, Hidan ran through a checklist in his mind, to make sure his conclusion was true. Tiny yet adorable hands? Check. Chubby and pinchable cheeks? Check. Diapers that always ponged? No, he didn't have-

"Awww! Someone had a little accident~!"

…Never mind.

Deidara chose that moment to re-enter the living room, smirking in satisfaction at whatever she had just done to Tobi. "Now you be a good boy for Aunty Deidara while Mommy goes and finds a curtain to use as a clean diaper~!" Konan sang, handing the pouting Jashinist to the blonde.

The ex-terrorist wrinkled up her nose at the baby. "He reeks, yeah…" he stated. "And he's kinda ugly too…"

The last comment earned him a thump from Konan. "Don't talk about my child like that!" she scowled as she headed out of the room, stepping over the gun that once again was left forgotten in the hallway.

EXTENDED ENDING

"LET GO OF THOSE YOU LITTLE PERVERT, UN!"

"Figures the brat could only get fondled by a child…"

"DANNA!"


	3. Music to my Ears

Bullet #3 – Music to my Ears

It took Tobi an hour to regain consciousness and free himself from the closet his senpai locked him in. Although, to be fair, if Deidara hadn't have turned around so quickly then her breasts wouldn't have hit him and he never would've been knocked out in the first place. He didn't mind too much. At least this way he managed to avoid an inevitable explosion.

The masked man trudged through the hallway, heading towards the living room. He hoped the gun would still be on the floor where he dropped it in his rush to escape from the angered woman. (He had never seen a woman so angry since Konan's last 'time of the month'.) Luckily for him, the weapon lay unnoticed in the doorway. He picked it up carefully, and was about to dispose of it when a tiny voice spoke up.

"Want!"

Tobi span around to see a small, silver haired baby, stretching out his hands towards him and stared at the gun in his hands. "You can't have this!" Tobi said, wagging a finger at the child. "This is Tobi's!" He couldn't give it to him. It was way too dangerous for a child. Just look what it did to Deidara!

"Give my child the toy!" Konan told him, acid dripping from her words. Tobi whimpered. She can be very scary when she wanted to be, which was far too often for the boy's wanting. He held the weapon towards the baby, who took it quickly and eagerly.

Finally! Hidan was wondering how he was going to get his hands on that thing again, especially since Konan wouldn't let him go. He fumbled with the object, trying to point it at himself so he could hopefully reverse the affects. Except, his hands were much too small to use the object properly and he pulled the trigger by accident.

The final bullet span through the air until it embedded itself into a layer of blue skin. "AH!" Kisame yelled out, his hand reflexively clasping over the area where the bullet passed into his body. An unusual feeling began bubbling up inside of him. It was an overwhelming feeling, one that made him want to sing out to the heavens. Literally.

"She was just a small town girl~!" he sang out, jumping up from his seat in the couch. Everyone in the room could only stare at him in amazement as he continued. "Livin' in a lonely world~! She took the midnight train going anywhere~!"

"What are you doing?" Sasori asked him, raising an eyebrow.

Kisame replied by singing yet another verse of a random song that barely answered the puppet master's question. "Sing with me~! Sing for the year~! Sing for the laughter~! Sing for the tear~! Sing with me if it's just for today~! 'Coz maybe tomorrow the good lord will take you away~!"

"Kisame, un?" Deidara asked, eyeing him disgruntled. "You're weird, you know that?"

"Dude looks like a lady~!"

"THAT'S NOT FUNNY, YEAH!"

"Oooh Kisame!" Konan spoke up and skipped over to the singing fish. "Could you sing a little something to put Yahiko to sleep? I think it's time for his nap~!"

Kisame grinned, happy to oblige. "Hush little baby, don't say a word~ Momma's gonna buy you a mocking bird~!"

It was at that moment Pein decided to enter the room and check out what all the commotion was about. He would've checked earlier, but people running around his base screaming at each other to 'drop dead' weren't unusual. His members' frequently bursting into song however, was very unusual. "What's going on here?"

"Deidara changed into a female, Hidan into a child and Kisame into Troy Bolton from 'High School Musical'," Itachi replied casually, turning another page in the book he's reading. "My guess is that the object at your feet is what's causing the mysterious changes."

Pein looked down at the discarded weapon before looking up at his organisation and sighing. "I always thought that there was no way that you all could get any weirder. Thanks for proving me wrong."

Tobi smiled, patting him on the back. "You're welcome~!"

"…I was being sarcastic."

"Really? Tobi didn't notice~!"

"…"

"…It's the final countdown~!"

"KISAME!"

EXTENDED ENDING

"Look Yahiko! It's your Daddy~!"

*thud*

"DAMMIT Pein! Must you faint EVERY time I mention babies?"

**A/n:**

**This series was too fun to write. xD**

**Anyway, songs used:**

**-Don't stop Believing – Journey**

**-Dream On – Aerosmith**

**-Dude looks like a lady – Aerosmith **

**-Whatever that nursery rhymes' called – whoever wrote it**

**-The Final Countdown - Europe**


End file.
